I had written a lot more about this, but in the style of Griff Rhys Jones I have deleted it.

So, Johnny, don’t be a twat. Be nice to people who are nice, otherwise I’ll talk to you*.

* I realise that sounds like a threat, but honestly, it will just be a chat. How you seen how feeble my arms are?

The other I’ve noticed as I’ve got older is that my belly button fluff has stopped being dark, and is now white cotton. I have no logical reason for this, other than my belly button is racist. I apologise for it’s actions.

I’m ill. As usual it’s just a really bad cold/sore throat that has made me spend this weekend not doing a lot and falling asleep during the day. Now, I hate falling asleep during the day as I just feel it’s a total waste of the day. Although considering I usually spend the weekend on the PC or the Wii, it’s not that much more of a waste. Still, I consider falling asleep during the day to be very much an old man’s game and always shy away from it.

This didn’t used to matter as I would always spend the weekends waking up at around 11am. But recently I’ve been waking up around the same times I do to go to work, which is 6.15am. And my body can’t take it.

I have a few reasons for this. One is that our bedroom curtains are feeble, and let the light in at the earliest opportunity. I spent eight years living in Germany where they use heavy duty blinds and you wouldn’t have a clue what time it was when you woke up. So you went back to sleep.

Also, next door have a really screamy kid. We have thin walls. This combination results in an alarm that is worse than the Meatballs alarm ringtone I made. And unfortunately, Sophie doesn’t have a snooze button.

The other thing is, by noticing, this I’ve realised I’m getting old. I’m at ease with it though as sleeping appears to be the only problem I have with it.

Hair in my nose? When you graze your nostril and feel an unusually long hair, it feels great to pull it out. Plus it’s stopped me from picking my nose so much as this is more fun.

Going bald? Yeah I could do without touching places where my hair was and finding nothing there, but it happens. Plus I’m starting to get Mr. Fantastic style grey side bit, which I reckon look alright.

A large belly? That seems to have stopped since I quit booze. Walking to the train station also helps.

But waking up before seven on a weekend? That’s just wrong. Going to sleep when you could be watching Hole in the Wall? What a waste of time!

P.S. I realise this blog has made little to no sense. But I point you to my first sentence. I’m ill. Do you people not have any compassion?

The great thing about the postal service (not the band, who are good, but won’t help my argument) is that you pay some money and they will send your parcel anywhere. Now if you want it sending to the other side of the world then it will cost more & if you want it arriving quicker it will also cost more. However, I feel that these are sound reasons to pay more.

Now, it’s coming up to my Lovely Wife’s birthday and I wish to buy her something nice. And therefore I have found something that is perfect for her*. Except there’s one problem: The company don’t deliver to the UK.

I’m not asking for you to charge the same amount that you do for American deliveries. I’m not even asking to be treated as a Canadian. Even if you said “It will cost an extra twenty quid to send” I wouldn’t mind. At least I’d have the choice to say no.

So either I have to find something else that Freya would like or I could ask the people I know who live in America, see if they will allow me to get it sent to their house and then ask them to send it on. Which is people who read this blog pretty much. So please people of America (and Canadia), help a loving husband out? Obviously all fees will be reimbursed and if you need some English sweets sending over I will be happy to help.

The other thing is: Does a website already provide this service? Because I reckon there could be a gap in the market for this. I’m going to give Duncan Bannatyne a ring and see if he’s in. If not, I’ll probably get his answering machine.

* I’m unable to say what as she’ll no doubt pick this as the one time to read my blog this year. I love you Freya!

OK. I understand the reasoning behind condoms. They prevent sexually transmitted diseases, they help prevent you getting someone pregnant and they can be used as a really awful balloon. So if a main reason is to stop reproduction why are my condoms multiplying?

I don’t mean condoms of the winky-guard type, but the Wiimote condoms that stop you scratching your table whilst playing Wii Sports (and thus requiring the services of a French polisher). I bought my Wii before all Wiimotes came with these protectors, so e-mailed Ninty asking for them to send me two.

I received some in February. Then another pair in March. And another pair in June (in fact whilst we were on honeymoon). Now, I sent the extra ones back to Codestorm (the Ninty Service Center bods) and didn’t hear back from them.

Until today, obv. When I recieved another pair. This time I have had to resort to the Sternly Worded (But With Some Humour To Show I’m Not A Massive Moaner) E-mail. Hopefully I can go another three months without hearing about them.

Freya was thinking I could sell them on ebay, but as everyone is entitled to some Wii condoms for free I doubt I’d get much money for them. However, Matt Biebly did send me two copies of Deathray Issue One by accident so I will hoarding them. Or perhaps I could give them to the Super Lehmann Brothers so they can clear their massive debts. I am a philanthropist after all.

Anyway ignore all that, and watch this. I promise it’s better than Maude:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWJxTWQHH6s]

I do like how the American presidential race is now sexist and racist.  Of course the seventies were much more enlightened.  As my following clip will prove.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NglGyn8yE20]

The best thing about it is that they spend 30 seconds singing about why women are great.  And then the only thing they have for the star is “And then there’s Maude” for about 15 seconds.  Freya thinks it’s ironical, but I’m certain irony was discovered in the mid 80s when I started to talk.

So I’m not dead.  I’m just rather busy with work and don’t have time thinking of witty stuff to say.  Not that that hasn’t stopped me before, natch.

I do have some stuff to write about though.  I’m going to talk about annoying things about gigs, annoying things about commuting on the train and annoying things about having crap skin.  At least one of those will contain a half-decent joke, all will contain observations that most bloggers have mentioned before.  However I GUARANTEE mine will have more self-deprecating references than any of my rivals!

The latest issue of Deathray says that there are writing jobs available.  This means that I start to wonder about how life would be if I did become a writer rather than an accountant.  And you know what?  I’d still be an accountant, it just would have taken me an extra year to qualify after I wasted twelve months doing something I’m crap at.  Well, not terribly good at.

Still part of me wishes I did have some non office based job.  Like working at a magazine.  In an office.  Or at least something where I can have fun through other methods rather than making slightly sarcastic comments.

I did like my comment in the team meeting though where H* was talking about our big boss.
“He’s cool though – he likes Scouting for Girls.”
“Yeah.  But he meant it as an activity.”

I realise that this is another joke that loads of bloggers have made.  But did they make it in a work based environment? DID THEY? Man, I’m tired.

* Using the initials to avoid libel, unfortunately I do not work with H from Steps.

In Ocean’s poor sports game Beach Volley there was one reason to play it. Ignoring the fact that the only way to score was to jam your player in the top right corner and then hit your spike when he jumped off the screen, we kept playing purely to hear the introductions to each country.

They were fairly awful voice samples of the respective countries accents, but they had a charm that made Ash & I giggle. They soon became catchphrases, along with the weird visual images of the wrong handed volleyballer on the title screen.

The first country had the best sample of the game though. To be said in a high pitched Dick Van Dyke in Poppins accent:

“Welcome to Lahndahn.”

However the reality isn’t so charming.

So it’s time for the third Amusing Wedding Story. But first the Slightly Upsetting Wedding Story.

My Uncle has become a bit of a ladies man since getting a divorce and has had about three different lady friends since I proposed to

Freya. Therefore we thought it would be best that he didn’t bring a date and instead should attend with his son.

Obviously this spoilt his attempts at getting his end away and he asked us one week before the wedding if his Schtup-Partner could come along. We said no using the short notice as an excuse.

So he got upset and left shortly after the ceremony. The miserable get.

However no need for this to spoil the wedding as Amusing Stories beat Mildly Upsetting Stories 3-1!

We invited my Mum’s cousin Glynis to the wedding, along with her husband Frank. Frank’s a bit of a bizarre person at the best of times and always says something weird when you see him.

My brother was chatting to him and used one of Frank’s old catchphrases “Cut the rug”. It took a while for Frank to recognise it, but instead of just laughing he decided to lightly stroke down Tom’s arm.

This had now made the light stroke down the arm one of mine and Freya’s favourite actions along with the Catpoo (don’t ask) and the Snuggle.

Oh and it turns out that Frank and my Mother In Law went to the same school. Frank was the naughty kid who kept getting thrown out of assembly. My Mother In Law wanted to be him*.

Frank is on the wedding photos and is the guy with the Colonel Sanders goatee.

* Due to me writing this on my iPhone this originally said ‘wanted to be jim’.

Resign12 – I quit
Theroc12 – Wrestling’s the Rock influenced this one, I have no idea why. Might be due to Southland Tales being seen in the HMV sale
Hestap12 – Hesta Pryn from the hottest girl rappers the world has ever seen – Northern State
Yogaba12 – Don’t know what this word is. Perhaps wii fit/yoga related?
Tegans12 – Going to the Tegan and Sara gig
Howard12 – Went to the Russell Howard gig. He was much funnier than Simon Amstell
Longbl12 – Gillen was going on about the Long Blondes new album. Still haven’t listened to it
Dorkie12 – Inspired by the “Buh bye Dork” “Buh bye Doofus” sign off that CC & I have over MSN
Emygrt12 – Off to see Emmy The Great at ULU
Camson12 – Rebecca Camson was someone who popped up on telly
Champi12 – Forest got promoted by a set of bizarre circumstances, they weren’t champions though. Perhaps I meant Borussia Monchengladbach
Ebisue12 – Ebisu, my favourite tune out of all the Tokyo JR line stations (the 3rd Man Theme)
Munich12 – Went to Munich for my Aunt’s birthday
Feisty12 – Was listening to Feist’s new album
Baysta12 – Inspired by the mediocre but great Baseball team the Yokohama Bay Stars
Pipete12 – We must have been to see the Pipette’s around then. I’m not a fan of Rosay and Riot Becki’s replacements. Sure they may be brunette’s, but they’re more leggings in TopShop brunettes rather than Cardigans in TopShop brunettes
Stefyr12 – Yes, we must have as Stefy was supporting. Went off her when I realised she had a tattoo
Tomnok12 – Named after the evil overlord of Animal Crossing
Benson12 – I finally met up with my favourite member of the Scooby Gang. She looked unhealthily thin
Jenpen12 – Jenny Penny was on wwtdd.com showing off some graffiti by Lohan slagging off Scarlett Johansson
Stacyk12 – Stacy Keibler was famous for having long legs. This is enough for me. I’m getting into my cute girl stage
Nusuck12 – But offset it having a quiet moan about work. That’s sticking it to the man!
Portman12 – I think I’d been to see Closer with Freya. Didn’t make either of us feel very good
Elisha12 – Elisha Cuthbert was probably on the front cover of Dear Departed Hotdog then
Stirli12 – Daughter of Diana Rigg. I actually fell for Rachael when she photgraphed in the Daily Express, well before Tipping The Velvet
Petrah12 – I think I’d downloaded Petra Sings The Who Sell Out and got back on a Petra tip. I quite like how Tanya Haden (Jack Black’s wife) voiced the rabbit who swooned for the Kung Fu Panda
Jendar12 – Thought this was inspired by misremembering Jo Dark from P Dark turns out it was actually someone else
Gldbch12 – Best team in Germany. Perhaps I’d been to see the new stadium
Jamdol12 – The UK Frag Dolls have just died. The redheaded Jam was my favourite, the cartoon version even beats Jessica Rabbit
Sarhyb12 – I had a desk calendar of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Babes, my favourite was Daniela Sarahyba. We did think Fernanda Motta was a man though
Jakidg12 – Jakki Degg was my favourite Page 3 girl, but then she got a dodgy tattoo
Fishel12 – I have no idea when Danielle Fishel from Boy Meets World is a password. Perhaps I saw some pics on Hushspace before I was properly with Freya (think around Stacyk)
Schatz12 – Although I had met up with her around here as her nickname had been coined
Rentals1 – Must have been listening to Barcelona
Forest12 – Worst football team ever
Alize123 – Best French girl singing about a bath ever
Dushku12 – Best PVC catsuit ever. Can’t wait for Dollhouse
Jenlew12 – Sweetest voice ever. Nice winking action too
Skalet12 – Worst tattoo ever. I’m sure at this point in time I had no idea of the horrors that were to be unleashed
Rivers12 – Weezer influenced
Sverko12 – Pro Evolution Soccer star striker (before I got Baumjohann)
Bright12 – (I Hate) Conor played in Leeds & had Rilo Kiley supporting him
Rilkil12 – I preferred Rilo Kiley